


I grew up but I've never forgotten

by thepeopleofvictory



Series: Babe don't waste your fears (I'm trying so hard to refute these tears) [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, F/F, Kinda, but not really cos they get seperated?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopleofvictory/pseuds/thepeopleofvictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa was five when she first met Clarke, and Lexa swore she managed to bring the sun down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I grew up but I've never forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I've finally created a new account (because my other one was just bad) and so I guess I'll post the stuff that I've kinda done on tumblr over here instead? This is basically/mostly a childhood au? idk I've been planning it but only bits and pieces seem to come out.

Lexa was five when she first met Clarke.

On the shyer side, she used to sneak out with her guard/driver, Gustus. The winding footpath leading from the backyard was the road to anywhere, the meadow by the playground became her land, her country, as she perched on Gustus’ shoulders, ruling the world, her world. Her very lonely world.

“Gostos! C’mon hurry before Mr. Titus finds us!”

“Ms. Alexandria I don’t think that is a very sound ide- yes miss.”

Hair tightly braided into pigtails, her clumsy fingers tore through them, releasing stray curls. The sun was barely peeking through the clouds that day, which was simply fabulous in the 5 year old’s opinion, sunlight hurt her sensitive skin and blinded her sensitive eyes. But Clarke was warmer and brighter than the sun, and Clarke didn’t hurt her at all. Clarke was nice, Clarke became her best friend (after Gustus of course, he is her  _favouritest_ person in the whole wide entire world.) Clarke was her neighbour, and Clarke was so smart and adventurous. Clarke knew which flowers to pick for the few droplets of honey. Clarke knew when to grab her hand as they jumped over puddles. Lexa decided, she liked Clarke. And she thinks Clarke likes her too.

 ~

Lexa was five when she first understood fear.

She did not want to go to bed, she did not want to go to school the next day, she did not want to listen to her mother, because Clarke, who was seven and so smart, Clarke said that there was going to be a full moon that night, and they could exchange drawings the next time they meet. She remembers her mother’s soft huff and the way she quirked her lips when she started to get annoyed.

 _Darling if you do not get on that bed in 5 seconds you’re going to get it from me_.

But Lexa stayed on the floor, she was going to perfect Clarke’s name, she was going to make sure it was pretty and colourful and-

She was in the closet. Heart hammering, palms clammy, Lexa screamed. She begged, she thrashed. It was too tight and dark and cramp and dusty. She could hear the key slide into place to lock her in. She could hear her mother tell her what a disappoint she was. She could hear, _and almost see_ , the ghost of her ancestors coming to grab her and make her suffer. After all, mother did say that disobedient children were the first to go.

~ 

Lexa was six when she finally learnt that angering her mother resulted in pain, that it didn’t matter if she threw away the cane, or washed away the dirt on her dress, because mother always knew, and mother always made sure that she was rightfully punished.

“Why didn’t you smile at Daddy’s clients today, dear? We are the hosts, and as hosts, what do we have to do?” her mother was thin lipped, towering over her, not a stray hair in sight, “now, arms out.”

“We have to be courteous and smile and make sure they know that we are-”

“Louder.”

“That we-”

Five consecutive hits. It ended before the first tear fell. But she knew that more would come. There was always more, because she always cried.

 _Crying is weakness, we are not weak, especially not when there is people around to judge us, do you understand?_  
Hits became more frequent, mother found new reasons to punish her, mother found new methods. The simple cane became a forgotten relic, and hiding herself in her room resulted in worse punishment.

 ~

Lexa was nine when she first willed herself to be stronger.

Four years of friendship with Clarke was gone with just a word from mother. She knew that Clarke would still be waiting for her by the meadow later that day, she knew that Clarke would hate her for not saying goodbye. But, as she sulked in the plane seat, Lexa knew it didn't matter, because they will never meet again. She will go to the boarding school her parents are sending her to, excel in her studies, study even more and even harder, take over the company and continue the legacy, marry Costia - their business partner’s exuberant daughter (who was fast becoming her best friend. After all, mother approved, and she wanted mother to be proud), have children and pass on the company to them.

And Clarke? Clarke will find a better best friend, and move on to save the world.

_“Hey Lex, I think I wanna become a doctor one day.”_

_“Hmm?” She had caught yet another cold, but medication hurt her heart and so she trudged on, sniffling, but smiling, because Clarke was there and Clarke made her feel better. Clarke always made her feel better._

_“Yeah! I wanna make sure you won’t be sick anymore! I’m gonna make sure the whole world is happy!"_

_“You’re going to save the world?”_

“I'm going to save you.”

 ~

Lexa was ten when she first saw her little brother.

Aden was adopted, just like her, and he was an ugly potato. He didn’t cry much, and she was often found having staring contests with him.

As he grew, Lexa saw him attend the same lessons, withstand the same beatings. She saw him pine for their mother’s attention, she saw him strive to be his father. Lexa saw herself in him. She tucked him into bed whenever there was a thunderstorm, swallowing her own fears when the electricity got cut. She took the blame whenever she could, any bruise found on his soft skin a reminder of her vow to protect him. He wasn’t her though, he was stronger and he was happier.

He wanted to be a doctor, _like Clarke_. And Lexa swore that she do anything for her little brother to fulfil his dream.

 ~

Lexa was fifteen when she had her first kiss.

The company dinner was particularly boring, and so she and Costia snuck off to an empty banquet hall, any thoughts of Clarke locked at the back of her mind. Costia, with her dark hair and out-of-tune humming, ever the chivalrous gentlewoman. Costia coaxed her into a slow dance with a crooked smile, and Lexa felt like maybe, just maybe, everything could be fine. Nothing else mattered other than the both of them, and with bated breaths, they kissed. It was awkward and it was messy, with clashing teeth and fumbling hands. It was short, both pulling away with giggles tumbling out. It was perfect.

As they lay on the banquet floor, chest heaving from laughing too hard at the drool on Costia’ crumpled dress shirt, shoulders pressed together, Lexa could almost see the future in the constellations of her face.

Almost. 

They held hands, stole kisses, went along with everything their parents wanted. But Lexa couldn't find Costia when she closed her eyes, couldn't find stardust in the crevices of her smiles. 

_Clarke remained firmly in charge of Lexa's thoughts, her angelic hair and sky-blue eyes forever imprinted, and Lexa saw no need to scrub them off._

 ~

Lexa was sixteen when she realised she wanted to run away.

She didn’t understand herself, she didn’t want her life. She wanted to go back to when she was five and perched on Gustus’ shoulders. An agreement was made. She applied to universities and counted down the days to the start of her freedom, _semi_ -freedom. Her major was chosen for her, and when letters of acceptance flooded the mailbox, only one was given the light of day. Her father invested in a quaint apartment floor near the city just for his little girl.

Costia was _coincidentally_ also attending the same university, her father _coincidentally_ investing in an apartment floor just above Lexa’s. Still, she clutched her win close to her heart.

Cramming in a second major without her parents’ knowledge, Lexa could almost smell the sweet scent of freedom. Almost. Costia and Gustus became a constant in her life, the latter almost tailing her every step out of her apartment. Lexa didn’t blame him, he was after all, hired, to be there. She knew he was to report to her mother, and she understood the concern her mother had for her.

 _You know I love you darling, I just want you safe_. Lexa didn’t get into any trouble, and in return he conveniently forgot any _wrongdoings_ during his weekly reports.

~ 

Lexa was sixteen when she started to do things for herself.

She bought candles, she drank tea and ate chips at ungodly hours, she read and wrote and read some more. Panic attacks were still frequent, and absolute darkness were still her nemesis, but for once in her life, the burden she carried felt lighter. She allowed herself to crush on the pretty girl at the library. Based on the numerous chemistry and biology textbooks, Lexa could quite safely assume she was studying medicine.

The blonde’s bag, which boldly stated “I AM A FUTURE DOCTOR” definitely helped too. The multitude of excuses she gave herself to just sit near the pretty girl was beginning to border on pathetic, and her brain was constantly churning out poetry on the mysterious doctor-to-be. But they weren’t meant to be strangers forever.

“Do you mind if I seat next to you? It’s pretty cold and the sunlight is a good source of heat,” _Clarke used to say that_.

And suddenly it clicked. Lexa nodded, her mouth dry.

“Thank you! It’s absolutely freezing. Of course it’s freezing, you will know that, you’re bundled up, it’s winter. I need to shut up. Anyway, I’m Clarke, you look familiar, do I know you?”

“Erm, ye-no-yes, erm. I’m Lexa… I…”

“Wait no way! Fuck. Lexa as in Alexandria?” A nod. “Birne street Lexa?” Another nod.

“Where the fuck did you disappear to?”

 ~

Lexa is seventeen when she realised how utterly in love she is with Clarke.

Kind, warm, beautiful Clarke, with her battered guitar and never-ending shoes. Sweet, dear Clarke, who still knows exactly when to grab her hands as they step over fallen leaves. Nothing can compare to Clarke, who shines brighter than the sun yet never hurts her. Clarke, who forgave Lexa for leaving her at the meadow, for disappearing without a goodbye. Her eyes hold the sky, and her hands hold the world. Clarke is her world.  
Curled into the warmth of Clarke’s embrace, Lexa decides that, yes, she is deeply, madly, in love with her.

**Author's Note:**

> There it is, a shabbily written oneshot. I wrote this in a frenzy one essay night and this came out lol


End file.
